I’ve been so scared. So very, very scared for the last couple months.
As most of you who know me are aware, I’m graduating in May. As you also know, I will not be attending college.
I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid- no, terrified- of graduating. Instead of a whole new life, an open door, my life feels like a dead end. I feel like my whole existence as I know it is going to end. Like all my relationships will change. Like I’ll be even more alienated from my peers. Like I’ll be alone.
But just now, as I sat in my family’s living room listening to TobyMac’s new album, This is Not a Test, God told me something.
I was listening to the song, Beyond Me, which I’ve heard before. I knew all the words and it wasn’t really one of my favorite songs by Toby. Until now. Now, I think this whole album just might become the soundtrack to my Senior Year, if not my life.
The first part of that song goes like this:
Call it a reason to retreat/ I got some dreams that are bigger than me/ I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life/ is it so crazy to believe// That you gave me the stars put them out of my reach/ Call me to waters a little too deep/ Oh I’ve never been so aware of my need/ You keep on making me see/ It’s way beyond me
It was hearing this song, right after having a week of absolute panic and almost hysteria, that I finally heard the lyrics.
God is the One who called me to the life I’m living. I went to Him for a decision about college and He told me His will for me. He’s the One who has ordained every single aspect of my life. My school subjects, my friends, my church, my passions, my dislikes, my family, everything.
God is the One who called me to these choices. The fear I feel has mostly been because I’ve been thinking that somehow I’m at fault. That I’ve made a wrong choice and so that’s why it looks my life is jumping off the deep end on June 1st, 2016.
If He’s the One who gave me my instructions, He’s the One who gave me the trials that are accompanying my obedience. This, the things that tear at my thoughts and emotions, this is my cross right now. The looks I get when people hear that I just want a husband to love and support and make a home for, those looks and the pain they bring don’t mean that I’m doing something wrong. They are my deep waters. They are my giants.
Because David didn’t kill Goliath.
God didn’t give me my instructions and then send me off on my way, saying, “Okay, have fun!”. No. That is a lie from Satan that I have believed for too long. God is walking with me, guiding me every second of every day. Through every look, every time someone says, “oh really”, every time I have to respond, “I don’t know”. He’s standing beside me. He is holding my hand, just like my human Daddy did this afternoon as I shook and cried out on our deck because I was so overwhelmed with fear. God holds me just like my human daddy does.
I’d forgotten that God doesn’t send us into battle alone. Jesus is the Prince of Peace, but He also commands the angels.
One of my favorite names of God is “Jehovah Nissi”. It means “The Lord Our Banner”. God is the banner I’m waving as I march through my senior year. I’m waving Him as I march through questions. I’m waving Him as I march into what is, for me, a Huge Blank Page. As I march into what feels like Oblivion.
We’re told, in Romans 14, to put on the armor of light. I put on that armor the day I was saved. The light given off by that armor isn’t dimmer than it used to be. I just can’t see it when I’m staring at the ground in fear and trepidation. I need to look to the Son. Because when I turn my eyes on Jesus, the things of earth- the questions, both mine and others’; the fears; the uncertainty, all of that grows dim, simply because it doesn’t matter.
What my future holds is way Beyond Me.
But it’s never been Beyond His Hand.